Right peeps, where to starts with Paris? Leona, this is all going in my blog. Well was supposed to meet my friends boyfriend at half 5 por la mañana for him to take me to the airport, but I didn’t actually wake up until 5:20. It was my own fault as once again, I left my packing til the early hours of the morning, and then I sat down for five seconds in the living room, and then couldn’t be arsed to actually go to bed. So I had to txt her boyf quick sharp, but he told me not to worry, to take my time… Anyway I ended up meeting him at 6:15, which actually is a better time because then I get to check in at about half 7, an hour before my flight which is respectable I suppose.
Anyway at the check in desk the fit lad that I seen the other day when I went to Rome (who was well staring at me!) wasn’t there, aww. Recently, I dunno what is up with me but I keep beepin in security, I beeped both times coming to and from Rome and I beeped both times coming to and from Paris! I think I’m filled with electricity you see, cos I can’t touch metal things :-( Anyway, get my flight ok, and Vueling airlines, not too shabby for Laura, they showed friends and the Simpsons (and extreme sports, but you know, they gotta have something for everyone) with the choice of English or Spanish, so I watched friends in Spanish and the Simpsons in English, only because I can understand friends in Spanish but not the simpsons, I don’t think the translations are any good. Anyway I arrive at Charles de Gaulle (or however it is spelt) and this airport is terrible. It is soooo confusing. Its full of like domes and plastic tunnels, I felt like a hamster, scuttling through all them tunnels, and the floor wasn’t solid, it was made of spongy stuff, so it really was quite disorientating. Anyway when I first got off the plane I needed the toilet, so I went but then couldn’t find the luggage carousel and since I went to piss there was no one from my flight around and for the life of me I could not find it. I eventually found a random woman that spoke English and she was like I know I’ve been coming to this airport for years and I still don’t know my way around. Ended up having to walk for about half an hour to where my suitcase was, and you would have thought that in this time my suitcase would have been there but no one’s had arrived-shabby treatment from the French I have to say. Eventually gets my suitcase (on a sloping carousel so that they all fell off instead of going round- I do not understand this airport, why? WHY?) Anyway, unlike Paul Leona wasn’t making the effort to come and meet me, but she reluctantly gave me directions I suppose, so I should be grateful. Anyway the directions she gave me were wrong, she gave me directions for terminal 3 I was in terminal 1. This airport is massive, I am tiny, and as the Americans would say, “you do the math.”
Anyway, decided not to panic, as Leona had mentioned that they speak English in the airport. Like the directions this was a lie. I was asking and asking but no one spoke English, Spanish or Italian. Everybody has said well this is normal, you were in France, but, come one, a big international airport like that there should be more than the one person that I found that speaks English. I know as us English and Americans are ignorant and we don’t bother to learn languages, well I do, but on the whole no one learns them as they expect that the whole world speaks English. Well shocker people, they don’t! Anyway, I managed to find myself some sort of exit but as I got outside, there were three policemen pointing really big scary guns at some young boy. I shat myself big style, but when I realised this was a homeless boy, I decided to stay and watch.
I actually felt so sorry for him. Homelessness seems to be a big problem in France, in Spain and Italy as well, but not on the same level. Homeless people in our country do not know they are born. Seriously. I know that sounds harsh but there really is no excuse to be homeless in England, we have charities and the Salvo Army, the big issue and places they can go; they just don’t want to as it means they would have to stop drinking or taking drugs. In other European countries there is nothing at all like this, and there is no kind of Social Security, so if you end up being homeless you are fooked. It really is heartbreaking :-(
Anyway, I phoned Leona who had gone into work on the day that I was coming, she told me she would go into work and then tell them she is ill so that they send her home, I had a feeling this would all go balls up. She told me I needed to get off at gare du nord and that she would meet me by the main exit. Again this was a lie, well that is where I got off, but it wasn’t even called gare du nord. Its called Paris nord and I only found this out as I had a feeling I was in the right place as it looked like a huge train station, so I said “gare du nord” and they were pointing for me to get off. By the skin of my teeth. I hope you are reading this Leona as now you might realise that while you were swanning about in your work with the office opposite Jacque Chirac on the champs elyseé thinking you are posh, who is the diva now bitch! I was having no picnic with my journey into Paris.
I gets in the train station, and I kept asking people for the exit, but as no one spoke English, they just kept taking me to trains. I didn’t fickin want trains; I wanted to get the hell out of there. I really dunno what is up with the French as this wasn’t just a train station, it was a shopping centre with restaurants and shops and stuff, but also it doubled up as a maze. Tried phoning Leona, was not impressed with the little madam, she decided not to answer her phone, I only had one bar of phone battery left, so I had to quick sharp write her number down so I could use a phone box. But oh no, you can’t put coins in a phone box in France you have to buy a phone card, so where the fick do you get phone cards from. To this day I still have no idea. Anyway, I started my long, long wait. I went and got something to eat, and I hate sitting in places by myself eating, but recently it hasn’t bothered me if I have needed to go to a café whilst I’m out shopping or whatever. Anyway I sent a couple of really abusive txts to Leona as by this time it was like half one and I had arrived in Paris at half ten in the morning so she should have been out of work by this time. I was getting really angry with her. Eventually I phoned her and she was like “I’m in the station now, I’m trying to find you” But I had no fickin idea where on earth I was, all I knew was I was near some doors and in a café.
She eventually found me chain smoking (through stress you understand) and I really did try to be mad with her, and I have no idea why but I wanted to smile when I seen her, so I had to look away. The cow. She should have just let me be angry. Anyway as a “treat” she paid for me to get a taxi to her house “ooh-big deal”. Got to her house, I felt my eyes dropping so she said I could sleep whilst she was doing her washing and a bit of shopping. I eventually slept for like 2 or 3 hours, I needed it though since I had very little sleep the night before.
After eating, showering and being introduced to everyone we went out, as she wanted to show me the Eiffel Tower glittering at night. Ooh big deal Leona, Paul showed me the Pope, a glittery Eiffel tower means nothing to me. Nothing. It actually stopped glittering by the time we got there (more false promises, Leona?) Then we went for a walk along the Seine (sounds very romantic doesn’t it, but I assure you there is only one dirty lezza, and that is not me, and also Paris defo is not the city of love) and we went to see the tunnel where Princess Diana died. But whilst we were walking there, we seen a man on some steps to the subway. Didn’t think anything of it, but then we noticed he was doing a very bad thing that will make him go blind if he does it too much. Basically this guy was wearing a woolly jumper, without trousers or boxers but with trainers and socks. So what I wanna know is, did he leave his house dressed like this or did he get, like changed in a phone box-like Superman? Also he was having a good old wank with himself there. (Can I just say, as I was writing this, the word wank has been underlined in red, so out of curiosity I went to the spell checker to see what the other options were, and number 1 was wink. I really wish he would have been winking at me L) Ergh, horrible, horrible little man. I would say he was in his fifties. He was grinning away and he seemed to like it the angrier we got. He also seemed to like it if we gave him eye contact. Like I know, did I really wanna look in his eyes, but I didn’t know where else to look, if I looked the opposite way I would be looking at the tunnel that Princess Diana died in, if I look to the right I’m faced with a sexual deviant, so what do I do? I honestly am completely befuddled by this. I do not know how any man can get turned on by standing on some piss stinking steps, half naked in the freezing cold at night time, waiting to wank in front of young girls. And this guy was a professional as well, as he was dead vigilant; he knew when to emerge on the steps in front of us and he knew when to hide from the group of boys that were coming towards us, but there was no where for him to have gone, without them seeing him, but they didn’t see him, so I do not have a tiny’s where he went. Also, I do hate to actually say this, but considering the man was not very tall, it was absolutely masseeve. Honestly, so maybe he was just so proud and wanted to show it to the world? Well, don’t show it me please, save it for the little boys room. I just do not understand it?
Leona found it absolutely hilarious. I, on the other hand really did not. This sort of thing happens to me all the time. I don’t know why. I don’t know what kind of image I project out there that men just think they can treat me this way, and that’s what really upsets me. I’m the only one out of any of my friends that this sort of stuff happens to. And I know I sometimes don’t exactly keep myself to myself, so maybe I do ask for it. I dunno, but he well pissed me off. Who on earth does he think he is?! And I was wishing that there would be police near by (never is when you need them)so they would arrest him, and then where would he be without his pants. And you know what, he is probably someone’s husband and he probably has daughters, that’s what pisses me off, he will be someone quite respectable. Anyway, enough about him, he has wasted enough column inches in this blog, thank you very much.
Also Paris is fooking full of American’s. This time they pissed me off by standing behind me in the queue for the crepe van and kept asking for nootolla (nutella to me and you). Their accent was winding me up to fick. Then they came over to me and Leona and asked if we spoke English, and then, they had the cheek to come and ask me and Leona what we got on our crepe (mind you own fickin business you stupid frizzy-haired camel features with twat flap features on the side, stupid fucking whore)like how rude. Imagine me going up to an old lady in Market Street with her Tesco bags and asking her what she had bought today?! So we told them and they walked off and was laughing at us. Do they not realise that they are the ones who are the laughing stock-of the whole wide world. Horrible, horrible little nasty Americans.
Anyway, Friday. Leona went to work, and left me all on my own. But the cheeky bitch. Tells me I can at least have a lie in (at least one positive thing from Paris) then when she is getting ready she only goes and puts the light on! What kind of lie in is that woman. So when she left I tried to get back to sleep but I just couldn’t properly. I was supposed to meet her for lunch but I hadn’t even got ready by 11 and I still needed to wash my hair, so I just lounged around in her room, went on the internet for a bit etc. then I got the courage to venture out. I tried to go to the Latin Quarter and I got the underground all by myself and everything, but for the life of me I couldn’t work out where the Latin Quarter actually was. I followed my map to the letter, but sadly it was not to be, so I dandered around in the Souvenir shops for pressies, but the presents there were absolute shite. Everything had the Eiffel Tower on it. There was nothing really else. And the postcards were crap too :-( Anyhow, by this time it was time to go and meet her for finishing work, she told me again she would meet me in a certain place and at a certain time, but lo and behold, Leona was no where to be seen. I had time to chain smoke and to buy a drink from the paper shop before she even thought of showing her face. All the meanwhile, Paris was rapidly losing points (although it really couldn’t compete with the 500 points that Rome got, lets have it said!)
We ended up going to the Louvre. I was actually shocked when I seen the Louvre. It was quite a modern design for its times. I sound all studious, but I’m really not. Anyway, we gets inside and we walked for absolutely ages (or so it seemed) we eventually get to the Mona Lisa, and it was this piddlin little thing. She wasn’t even smiling [;-)] and plus Leona didn’t know the history of anything (unlike Paul, he is so clever, he knew every single thing about Rome))Anyway because Leona didn’t know the history of anything, I decided to get an audio guide. Well, that was a mistake! Leona in all her life had never used an audio guide. I actually find it hard to believe. Posh Leona didn’t know how to use an audio guide and common-as-muck me knew how to use one. Well she got carried away didn’t she. She didn’t get that you typed in the numbers-only when you see number next to a painting that is written on top of a bright red set of earphones. She just kept typing in random numbers. I had to repeat myself so much with her that night, I dunno how many times I said to her, only if you see the numbers within a red symbol. In the end she got the hang of it, but I was wiped out from the whole day and the whole trip, Leona is too much hard work to have a conversation with sometimes.
Anyway we decided to go home and get a Domino’s pizza and watch a DVD so I was absolutely fooked and Leona wanted me to go outside in the cold and get a pizza. I told her to phone one as she kept going on that they delivered it right to your bedroom, etc. This again was another lie to add to the list. She foned them but for some reason she couldn’t get them to come to deliver it. I told her to ask the security guard if he could speak on the phone on her behalf, but for some reason she thought I meant get them to phone from their phones, of course they weren’t going to do that. Anyway in the end I had to be dragged out as she told me it was only 5 mins away so I asked if she minded going by herself, apparently she did. But if she had come to visit me I would have ran around after her so much and if she asked me to I would have nipped out for food by myself, just for her, but obviously she has no manners!
We eventually get to domino’s pizza and they had just literally closed. Leona was begging them for ages in French to just cook us one pizza but they kept laughing at us. They kept telling us the place across the road will do take away pizzas, so after 15 mins of them reet losers we skidaddled across the road but that place was closing. Then Leona told me the only other place is dead far away and we would be walking for miles. But then lo and behold there was another place right next to us that was open (more lies) He was a sweet enough guy. Bit flirty berty with Leona mind you. Anyway we settled down for a night of Pizza and the first series of the office! Even though Leona didn’t want to watch this in the first place, although she said you pick whichever DVD you wanna watch, you’re the guest, it’s up to you, then whenever I made a suggestion she said no, but I eventually got my own way with the office ;-) (see Leona, I told you ALL of this would go in my blog, but you clearly didn’t believe me)
Saturday we pissed about a bit in the morning watching the office when we should have been getting ready (but Martin Freeman is well fit in the office)Anyway on the Saturday we managed to see the Eiffel Tower, Notre Dame, Sacre Cour the Moulin Rouge. There was still stuff I didn’t get to see. I didn’t get to see the Trocadero Fountain, as on Saturday it started piss pouring down with rain, it was freezing and we got soaked, so I wanted to do as much things inside as possible.
The Notre Dame was amazing. But sadly outside was an old woman who was homeless, clearly not on drugs or alcohol or anything like that. We walked past her when we came out of the church and was on our way to get a mulled wine and a crepe (how selfish do I feel now) after we had had our crepe, the lady was still there. So I chucked 10 euros in. And oh my god, she was so grateful, you really do not get anyone being so grateful like this in England. So I felt really bad for her as when I gave her the money she kept shaking my hand and saying thank you, and her hands were like blocks of ice. So walked past a shop that had gloves for 4 euros and a hats for about the same. I wanted to get her a woolly hat that had diamantes on to make her pretty but Leona thought it was best to get her a plain one. We went back and oh my god she was so grateful and happy, at least her hands won’t be cold, she must feel so much better. But the thing is they won’t keep her dry for long as when the rain gets in them they will just keep her cold again. My heart really does bleed for her.
Went out for food in the Latin Quarter, and if you ever go to Paris I would defo recommend you eat there. It was so lively, full of Greek restaurants that do the plate smashing, but in the end we settled for a Mexican restaurant. The food there was really nice and it had such a good atmosphere and they had guitarists and singers that were all Spanishy and stuff, it was absolutely amazing, and I got to use my Spanish there, which I was glad of, all this French I had been hearing all weekend and not understanding a word of it. I would defo recommend this restaurant. It’s called Tampico’s and it is in the Latin Quarter in Paris. Andit was way cool, the ash trays were half a cocnut shell, how mint is that?
Then came the drama on Sunday. Me and Leona had underestimated how long it would take us to get ready and get to the airport. We got the metro and I was panickin to fick. But we decided to get a taxi from the train station to the airport as we really didn’t have time. Got to the airport with 10 mins before check in closed. But as I explained earlier the airport is a nightmare and no way was I finding my check-in desk. Leona kept asking people where it was, they kept saying downstairs, but theye didn’t tell us how to get downstairs. Eventually got there with a few minutes to spare. Then came more drama. I had liquids in my bag but they were under 100 mls. But they were saying I had to put them in plastic bags and I was like I know the airport gives them to me, but then the lady was like no you need to buy them! Daylight Robbery, it really is. So then I faffed about having to open my suitcase and then close it again.
Then they told me gate number 7. So I made my way there, left Leona at what I thought was security. Then I see on the screen that it says gate number 78. so I panicked went to look for gate number 38. Got totally lost and confused, and in the end I found someone who worked there who showed me exactly where to go. Then they had to hurry me through security as they were about to close the doors, I beeped, got frisked, had to go through one gate, and then through another. The lady had a go at me saying I was holding the plane up so I said that I got lost and didn’t know where I was supposed to be going and she was like I explained to you exactly how your boarding pass worked. But Leona can verify for me that she didn’t. and I’m not being funny, but I do know how a boarding card works, but not when I have to go through 3 different gates all with different numbers on them and no one explains this to me, so I know what to expect. Stupid cow. Anyway run on the plane and oh my god, I was so embarrassed, the air steward was well fit and I run on all red faced and upset. I apologised explained about the plastic tunnels and that I wasn’t a hamster, etc. but you could tell they were only being nice because they had to :-( and when I spoke to him in Spanish he really didn’t understand what I was saying. But this is partly because I was flustered and because my ears had popped so I actually couldn’t hear what I was saying myself.
Nevermind, I got home ok-in the end. And when I got off the plane I had a well top surprise. My friend from school, we haven’t spoken in a year, mainly because we lost touch, and mainly because all my friends from school are still slightly scally so I always feel a bit out of place with them now. Anyway, she managed to get hold of my number and it turns out that she is 8 months preggers and she is due Feb 17th. She is having a girl called Sophie, so nice normal name. But feel a bit sorry for her, her boyfriend is currently residing at her majesty’s pleasure, so she will have to give birth alone. I think her mam will prob go though, she told me that everything is ine and her and the baby are fine and that she has had a really healthy pregnancy, so I hope everything stays that way for her.
Anyway I will skiddadle as I still have so much to say but I have actually written a novel today! I hope Leona “gets” what I have just written up there as it is very tongue-in-cheek, although I still haven’t forgiven her for calling me a diva.
Random Word of the Day: Exhibicionista= flasher (the dirty bastard, I’m still mad)
Total Word count for the day: 4371 words (oops sorry)
Anyway at the check in desk the fit lad that I seen the other day when I went to Rome (who was well staring at me!) wasn’t there, aww. Recently, I dunno what is up with me but I keep beepin in security, I beeped both times coming to and from Rome and I beeped both times coming to and from Paris! I think I’m filled with electricity you see, cos I can’t touch metal things :-( Anyway, get my flight ok, and Vueling airlines, not too shabby for Laura, they showed friends and the Simpsons (and extreme sports, but you know, they gotta have something for everyone) with the choice of English or Spanish, so I watched friends in Spanish and the Simpsons in English, only because I can understand friends in Spanish but not the simpsons, I don’t think the translations are any good. Anyway I arrive at Charles de Gaulle (or however it is spelt) and this airport is terrible. It is soooo confusing. Its full of like domes and plastic tunnels, I felt like a hamster, scuttling through all them tunnels, and the floor wasn’t solid, it was made of spongy stuff, so it really was quite disorientating. Anyway when I first got off the plane I needed the toilet, so I went but then couldn’t find the luggage carousel and since I went to piss there was no one from my flight around and for the life of me I could not find it. I eventually found a random woman that spoke English and she was like I know I’ve been coming to this airport for years and I still don’t know my way around. Ended up having to walk for about half an hour to where my suitcase was, and you would have thought that in this time my suitcase would have been there but no one’s had arrived-shabby treatment from the French I have to say. Eventually gets my suitcase (on a sloping carousel so that they all fell off instead of going round- I do not understand this airport, why? WHY?) Anyway, unlike Paul Leona wasn’t making the effort to come and meet me, but she reluctantly gave me directions I suppose, so I should be grateful. Anyway the directions she gave me were wrong, she gave me directions for terminal 3 I was in terminal 1. This airport is massive, I am tiny, and as the Americans would say, “you do the math.”
Anyway, decided not to panic, as Leona had mentioned that they speak English in the airport. Like the directions this was a lie. I was asking and asking but no one spoke English, Spanish or Italian. Everybody has said well this is normal, you were in France, but, come one, a big international airport like that there should be more than the one person that I found that speaks English. I know as us English and Americans are ignorant and we don’t bother to learn languages, well I do, but on the whole no one learns them as they expect that the whole world speaks English. Well shocker people, they don’t! Anyway, I managed to find myself some sort of exit but as I got outside, there were three policemen pointing really big scary guns at some young boy. I shat myself big style, but when I realised this was a homeless boy, I decided to stay and watch.
I actually felt so sorry for him. Homelessness seems to be a big problem in France, in Spain and Italy as well, but not on the same level. Homeless people in our country do not know they are born. Seriously. I know that sounds harsh but there really is no excuse to be homeless in England, we have charities and the Salvo Army, the big issue and places they can go; they just don’t want to as it means they would have to stop drinking or taking drugs. In other European countries there is nothing at all like this, and there is no kind of Social Security, so if you end up being homeless you are fooked. It really is heartbreaking :-(
Anyway, I phoned Leona who had gone into work on the day that I was coming, she told me she would go into work and then tell them she is ill so that they send her home, I had a feeling this would all go balls up. She told me I needed to get off at gare du nord and that she would meet me by the main exit. Again this was a lie, well that is where I got off, but it wasn’t even called gare du nord. Its called Paris nord and I only found this out as I had a feeling I was in the right place as it looked like a huge train station, so I said “gare du nord” and they were pointing for me to get off. By the skin of my teeth. I hope you are reading this Leona as now you might realise that while you were swanning about in your work with the office opposite Jacque Chirac on the champs elyseé thinking you are posh, who is the diva now bitch! I was having no picnic with my journey into Paris.
I gets in the train station, and I kept asking people for the exit, but as no one spoke English, they just kept taking me to trains. I didn’t fickin want trains; I wanted to get the hell out of there. I really dunno what is up with the French as this wasn’t just a train station, it was a shopping centre with restaurants and shops and stuff, but also it doubled up as a maze. Tried phoning Leona, was not impressed with the little madam, she decided not to answer her phone, I only had one bar of phone battery left, so I had to quick sharp write her number down so I could use a phone box. But oh no, you can’t put coins in a phone box in France you have to buy a phone card, so where the fick do you get phone cards from. To this day I still have no idea. Anyway, I started my long, long wait. I went and got something to eat, and I hate sitting in places by myself eating, but recently it hasn’t bothered me if I have needed to go to a café whilst I’m out shopping or whatever. Anyway I sent a couple of really abusive txts to Leona as by this time it was like half one and I had arrived in Paris at half ten in the morning so she should have been out of work by this time. I was getting really angry with her. Eventually I phoned her and she was like “I’m in the station now, I’m trying to find you” But I had no fickin idea where on earth I was, all I knew was I was near some doors and in a café.
She eventually found me chain smoking (through stress you understand) and I really did try to be mad with her, and I have no idea why but I wanted to smile when I seen her, so I had to look away. The cow. She should have just let me be angry. Anyway as a “treat” she paid for me to get a taxi to her house “ooh-big deal”. Got to her house, I felt my eyes dropping so she said I could sleep whilst she was doing her washing and a bit of shopping. I eventually slept for like 2 or 3 hours, I needed it though since I had very little sleep the night before.
After eating, showering and being introduced to everyone we went out, as she wanted to show me the Eiffel Tower glittering at night. Ooh big deal Leona, Paul showed me the Pope, a glittery Eiffel tower means nothing to me. Nothing. It actually stopped glittering by the time we got there (more false promises, Leona?) Then we went for a walk along the Seine (sounds very romantic doesn’t it, but I assure you there is only one dirty lezza, and that is not me, and also Paris defo is not the city of love) and we went to see the tunnel where Princess Diana died. But whilst we were walking there, we seen a man on some steps to the subway. Didn’t think anything of it, but then we noticed he was doing a very bad thing that will make him go blind if he does it too much. Basically this guy was wearing a woolly jumper, without trousers or boxers but with trainers and socks. So what I wanna know is, did he leave his house dressed like this or did he get, like changed in a phone box-like Superman? Also he was having a good old wank with himself there. (Can I just say, as I was writing this, the word wank has been underlined in red, so out of curiosity I went to the spell checker to see what the other options were, and number 1 was wink. I really wish he would have been winking at me L) Ergh, horrible, horrible little man. I would say he was in his fifties. He was grinning away and he seemed to like it the angrier we got. He also seemed to like it if we gave him eye contact. Like I know, did I really wanna look in his eyes, but I didn’t know where else to look, if I looked the opposite way I would be looking at the tunnel that Princess Diana died in, if I look to the right I’m faced with a sexual deviant, so what do I do? I honestly am completely befuddled by this. I do not know how any man can get turned on by standing on some piss stinking steps, half naked in the freezing cold at night time, waiting to wank in front of young girls. And this guy was a professional as well, as he was dead vigilant; he knew when to emerge on the steps in front of us and he knew when to hide from the group of boys that were coming towards us, but there was no where for him to have gone, without them seeing him, but they didn’t see him, so I do not have a tiny’s where he went. Also, I do hate to actually say this, but considering the man was not very tall, it was absolutely masseeve. Honestly, so maybe he was just so proud and wanted to show it to the world? Well, don’t show it me please, save it for the little boys room. I just do not understand it?
Leona found it absolutely hilarious. I, on the other hand really did not. This sort of thing happens to me all the time. I don’t know why. I don’t know what kind of image I project out there that men just think they can treat me this way, and that’s what really upsets me. I’m the only one out of any of my friends that this sort of stuff happens to. And I know I sometimes don’t exactly keep myself to myself, so maybe I do ask for it. I dunno, but he well pissed me off. Who on earth does he think he is?! And I was wishing that there would be police near by (never is when you need them)so they would arrest him, and then where would he be without his pants. And you know what, he is probably someone’s husband and he probably has daughters, that’s what pisses me off, he will be someone quite respectable. Anyway, enough about him, he has wasted enough column inches in this blog, thank you very much.
Also Paris is fooking full of American’s. This time they pissed me off by standing behind me in the queue for the crepe van and kept asking for nootolla (nutella to me and you). Their accent was winding me up to fick. Then they came over to me and Leona and asked if we spoke English, and then, they had the cheek to come and ask me and Leona what we got on our crepe (mind you own fickin business you stupid frizzy-haired camel features with twat flap features on the side, stupid fucking whore)like how rude. Imagine me going up to an old lady in Market Street with her Tesco bags and asking her what she had bought today?! So we told them and they walked off and was laughing at us. Do they not realise that they are the ones who are the laughing stock-of the whole wide world. Horrible, horrible little nasty Americans.
Anyway, Friday. Leona went to work, and left me all on my own. But the cheeky bitch. Tells me I can at least have a lie in (at least one positive thing from Paris) then when she is getting ready she only goes and puts the light on! What kind of lie in is that woman. So when she left I tried to get back to sleep but I just couldn’t properly. I was supposed to meet her for lunch but I hadn’t even got ready by 11 and I still needed to wash my hair, so I just lounged around in her room, went on the internet for a bit etc. then I got the courage to venture out. I tried to go to the Latin Quarter and I got the underground all by myself and everything, but for the life of me I couldn’t work out where the Latin Quarter actually was. I followed my map to the letter, but sadly it was not to be, so I dandered around in the Souvenir shops for pressies, but the presents there were absolute shite. Everything had the Eiffel Tower on it. There was nothing really else. And the postcards were crap too :-( Anyhow, by this time it was time to go and meet her for finishing work, she told me again she would meet me in a certain place and at a certain time, but lo and behold, Leona was no where to be seen. I had time to chain smoke and to buy a drink from the paper shop before she even thought of showing her face. All the meanwhile, Paris was rapidly losing points (although it really couldn’t compete with the 500 points that Rome got, lets have it said!)
We ended up going to the Louvre. I was actually shocked when I seen the Louvre. It was quite a modern design for its times. I sound all studious, but I’m really not. Anyway, we gets inside and we walked for absolutely ages (or so it seemed) we eventually get to the Mona Lisa, and it was this piddlin little thing. She wasn’t even smiling [;-)] and plus Leona didn’t know the history of anything (unlike Paul, he is so clever, he knew every single thing about Rome))Anyway because Leona didn’t know the history of anything, I decided to get an audio guide. Well, that was a mistake! Leona in all her life had never used an audio guide. I actually find it hard to believe. Posh Leona didn’t know how to use an audio guide and common-as-muck me knew how to use one. Well she got carried away didn’t she. She didn’t get that you typed in the numbers-only when you see number next to a painting that is written on top of a bright red set of earphones. She just kept typing in random numbers. I had to repeat myself so much with her that night, I dunno how many times I said to her, only if you see the numbers within a red symbol. In the end she got the hang of it, but I was wiped out from the whole day and the whole trip, Leona is too much hard work to have a conversation with sometimes.
Anyway we decided to go home and get a Domino’s pizza and watch a DVD so I was absolutely fooked and Leona wanted me to go outside in the cold and get a pizza. I told her to phone one as she kept going on that they delivered it right to your bedroom, etc. This again was another lie to add to the list. She foned them but for some reason she couldn’t get them to come to deliver it. I told her to ask the security guard if he could speak on the phone on her behalf, but for some reason she thought I meant get them to phone from their phones, of course they weren’t going to do that. Anyway in the end I had to be dragged out as she told me it was only 5 mins away so I asked if she minded going by herself, apparently she did. But if she had come to visit me I would have ran around after her so much and if she asked me to I would have nipped out for food by myself, just for her, but obviously she has no manners!
We eventually get to domino’s pizza and they had just literally closed. Leona was begging them for ages in French to just cook us one pizza but they kept laughing at us. They kept telling us the place across the road will do take away pizzas, so after 15 mins of them reet losers we skidaddled across the road but that place was closing. Then Leona told me the only other place is dead far away and we would be walking for miles. But then lo and behold there was another place right next to us that was open (more lies) He was a sweet enough guy. Bit flirty berty with Leona mind you. Anyway we settled down for a night of Pizza and the first series of the office! Even though Leona didn’t want to watch this in the first place, although she said you pick whichever DVD you wanna watch, you’re the guest, it’s up to you, then whenever I made a suggestion she said no, but I eventually got my own way with the office ;-) (see Leona, I told you ALL of this would go in my blog, but you clearly didn’t believe me)
Saturday we pissed about a bit in the morning watching the office when we should have been getting ready (but Martin Freeman is well fit in the office)Anyway on the Saturday we managed to see the Eiffel Tower, Notre Dame, Sacre Cour the Moulin Rouge. There was still stuff I didn’t get to see. I didn’t get to see the Trocadero Fountain, as on Saturday it started piss pouring down with rain, it was freezing and we got soaked, so I wanted to do as much things inside as possible.
The Notre Dame was amazing. But sadly outside was an old woman who was homeless, clearly not on drugs or alcohol or anything like that. We walked past her when we came out of the church and was on our way to get a mulled wine and a crepe (how selfish do I feel now) after we had had our crepe, the lady was still there. So I chucked 10 euros in. And oh my god, she was so grateful, you really do not get anyone being so grateful like this in England. So I felt really bad for her as when I gave her the money she kept shaking my hand and saying thank you, and her hands were like blocks of ice. So walked past a shop that had gloves for 4 euros and a hats for about the same. I wanted to get her a woolly hat that had diamantes on to make her pretty but Leona thought it was best to get her a plain one. We went back and oh my god she was so grateful and happy, at least her hands won’t be cold, she must feel so much better. But the thing is they won’t keep her dry for long as when the rain gets in them they will just keep her cold again. My heart really does bleed for her.
Went out for food in the Latin Quarter, and if you ever go to Paris I would defo recommend you eat there. It was so lively, full of Greek restaurants that do the plate smashing, but in the end we settled for a Mexican restaurant. The food there was really nice and it had such a good atmosphere and they had guitarists and singers that were all Spanishy and stuff, it was absolutely amazing, and I got to use my Spanish there, which I was glad of, all this French I had been hearing all weekend and not understanding a word of it. I would defo recommend this restaurant. It’s called Tampico’s and it is in the Latin Quarter in Paris. Andit was way cool, the ash trays were half a cocnut shell, how mint is that?
Then came the drama on Sunday. Me and Leona had underestimated how long it would take us to get ready and get to the airport. We got the metro and I was panickin to fick. But we decided to get a taxi from the train station to the airport as we really didn’t have time. Got to the airport with 10 mins before check in closed. But as I explained earlier the airport is a nightmare and no way was I finding my check-in desk. Leona kept asking people where it was, they kept saying downstairs, but theye didn’t tell us how to get downstairs. Eventually got there with a few minutes to spare. Then came more drama. I had liquids in my bag but they were under 100 mls. But they were saying I had to put them in plastic bags and I was like I know the airport gives them to me, but then the lady was like no you need to buy them! Daylight Robbery, it really is. So then I faffed about having to open my suitcase and then close it again.
Then they told me gate number 7. So I made my way there, left Leona at what I thought was security. Then I see on the screen that it says gate number 78. so I panicked went to look for gate number 38. Got totally lost and confused, and in the end I found someone who worked there who showed me exactly where to go. Then they had to hurry me through security as they were about to close the doors, I beeped, got frisked, had to go through one gate, and then through another. The lady had a go at me saying I was holding the plane up so I said that I got lost and didn’t know where I was supposed to be going and she was like I explained to you exactly how your boarding pass worked. But Leona can verify for me that she didn’t. and I’m not being funny, but I do know how a boarding card works, but not when I have to go through 3 different gates all with different numbers on them and no one explains this to me, so I know what to expect. Stupid cow. Anyway run on the plane and oh my god, I was so embarrassed, the air steward was well fit and I run on all red faced and upset. I apologised explained about the plastic tunnels and that I wasn’t a hamster, etc. but you could tell they were only being nice because they had to :-( and when I spoke to him in Spanish he really didn’t understand what I was saying. But this is partly because I was flustered and because my ears had popped so I actually couldn’t hear what I was saying myself.
Nevermind, I got home ok-in the end. And when I got off the plane I had a well top surprise. My friend from school, we haven’t spoken in a year, mainly because we lost touch, and mainly because all my friends from school are still slightly scally so I always feel a bit out of place with them now. Anyway, she managed to get hold of my number and it turns out that she is 8 months preggers and she is due Feb 17th. She is having a girl called Sophie, so nice normal name. But feel a bit sorry for her, her boyfriend is currently residing at her majesty’s pleasure, so she will have to give birth alone. I think her mam will prob go though, she told me that everything is ine and her and the baby are fine and that she has had a really healthy pregnancy, so I hope everything stays that way for her.
Anyway I will skiddadle as I still have so much to say but I have actually written a novel today! I hope Leona “gets” what I have just written up there as it is very tongue-in-cheek, although I still haven’t forgiven her for calling me a diva.
Random Word of the Day: Exhibicionista= flasher (the dirty bastard, I’m still mad)
Total Word count for the day: 4371 words (oops sorry)
posted by Laura @ 2:31 pm
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